Fifty-three today xx

Today would be my Daddy's 53rd birthday... 

 

 

It is the strangest, saddest feeling, knowing that he isn't here for his own special day :( 
I clearly remember his last birthday and although he was struggling, he was full of jokes and smiles.  He had a cruel lung disease plus a swag of other ailments trying to hold him back - but he kept going for so long!  On his last birthday he was JUST starting to suffer from hypoxia (lack of oxygen to the brain) and was getting his words muddled up.  At the time we weren't exactly sure what it was, and were worried that he had maybe had another small stroke or something.  It was probably one of the worst things I had seen him deal with as although his body had been failing him for years, his mind was as sharp as a tack.  He was funny, witty, clever, wise.  To hear him saying things that didn't make sense and see him struggle in frustration was just heartbreaking.  Five and a half weeks later he was gone... 

 

Today I am trying not to think about him passing away.  I'm trying not to think of the sad stuff, the bad stuff, the gut wrenchingly heartbreaking stuff.  But it's hard!  I know some people may wonder why I would want to 'celebrate' his birthday.  Why wouldn't I?  Without his birthday he never would of been here.  I never would of been here.  We never would of been able to share the beautiful bond we had.  A lot of people remember the day someone passes and do special things on that day.  I'm not sure I want to do that.  I'm not even sure that I can.  I haven't had to think about it yet as that time has not yet come for us.  For now I know that I would much rather give thanks for his birth and the wonderful years he was here, rather than remember the day he left and all the feelings associated with it.

 

I had to try and think about what I could do on this special day, Dad's birthday.  I wanted to do something worthwhile that could potentially help someone else.  After a bit of thought, giving blood sounded like a great option.  And it was on my list of things to do!  I have always wanted to give blood (my Daddy also had a blood disease) but due to numerous tattoos, I had never been able to when I thought of it.  My last ink was in March last year and my next one is booked in for next month, so today was the perfect time!  You now only have to wait 6 months after being inked to give blood by the way.  Check out the other criteria at the Red Cross website.  I was feeling a little anxious about the whole thing as everyone I spoke to or asked to come along, either couldn't give blood for some reason, or was too scared of needles.  A big thanks to one of my girlfriends Roxy for offering to come along.  In the end we couldn't get the same appointment time, but she still came and gave blood today :) 
 

  When I arrived I filled out some forms and then had an 'interview' with a lovely lady (in fact all of the ladies were lovely!).  She tested my blood for haemoglobin and I almost cried when it identified that the levels were too low - I really wanted to donate today!  She offered to take another sample of blood from my arm and said it had to be atleast 120 otherwise I would have to wait 6 months.  So I went and hopped in the chair, with butterflies in tummy, and hoped for the best.  She took my blood and put it in the little machine... 120!  Yay!  Dead on what I needed, so I was happy.  From here all went well with the donation process, and I left feeling good.  Thanks to my friend Lisa (who works there) for chatting to me throughout the process!  I strongly urge anyone who can give blood to do so because donations are much needed.  I actually booked in my next appointment for 4 weeks time to donate plasma!  Number 5 on my list to donate blood - tick!

 

 

 Today I also decided to register to become an organ donor.  Once again it is something that I had thought about for a long time.  In the early stages of my Dad's illness, he was on the list for a double lung transplant.  I often wonder how different things would be if he received it...  He soon was taken off the list as there were too many things that could go wrong due to his condition.  I still remember the day ,sitting around the table with the table with the family, when he told us the news.  That little glimmer of hope had been snatched away...  Anyway, since then I often thought about organ donation.  Obviously the idea that you could save another peron's life is amazing.  Unfortunately there were a lot of things that scared me about it too - selfish, but true!  What would my family think?  What if I needed all my bits for the afterlife (whatever that is)?  How would it effect me if I was in an accident - would they still treat me like someone who wasn't an organ donor.  How would it effect my loved ones - would I look different at my funeral one day, would it delay the funeral and cause more sadness to my family when that day comes?  Silly I know, but honestly this is all the stuff I have thought about in the past. I decided to research it a bit more and was happy with the info I found.  I signed up online with the Australian national register and am now feeling proud that maybe one day I can give the gift of life - how amazing would that be? :)  Donate Life Week is coming up at the end of this month so again I urge you all to take a look at the Donate Life website and start talking to your loved ones about it.

 

The final thing I did today in honour of my Daddy, was write a poem.  Now I am certainly no poet and it has been years since I have written anything but this just sort of came to me.  Dad loved poetry and was a beautiful writer himself.  I originally looked on the net for a poem but couldn't find one that summed things up right for me.  However, I was inspired by a couple of different poems and even borrowed a verse from one - I hope they don't mind! ;)  The rest was all me though.  All from my heart.  All for him... 

Happy birthday Daddy xxx

If I wrote a story,
It would be the greatest ever told.
Of a kind and loving Daddy,
Who had a heart of gold.
 

I could write a million pages
But still not be able to say,

Just how much I love and miss you
Every single day.
 

I miss everything about you;

Your smile, your face, your hands.

I miss your one of a kind humour

And just how much you cared.
 

Today was the big day
53 years ago,
You were born into this world
Bringing a super special glow.
 

A smart and humble man,

The wisest I ever knew.

You encouraged everything I did,

And always said ‘I love you’.
 

So full of love for us
With laughter so funny and loud,
We think of you every day
You’ll always make us proud.
 

A thousand words won't bring you back,

I know because I've tried.

Neither will a million tears,

I know because I've cried.
 

I’ve said a million prayers

Even though I’m not religious.

On dandelions and shooting stars

I’ve made a million wishes.
 

Each wish is for the same thing

but they never will come true,

To bring you home, turn back time

And give me one more hug with you.
 

Remembering you is easy

I do it every single day,

But missing you is so very hard

The heartache doesn’t fade…
 

I was your butterfly princess,

And you were the first man I ever loved.

It’s heartbreaking to no longer have you here

But I hope you’re somewhere close above.
 

Daddy, I hope you’re watching.
I hope you’re looking down.

I hope you know what’s happening
Even though you’re not around.
 

Today is your birthday

And of course you’re in my prayers.
I’m sending loving birthday wishes
To you, my Daddy, my special angel upstairs xx.